Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
I walked downstairs and there were 50 sorority girls. I wasn't expecting an audience during my walk of shame.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
FUCK... Pulled a chick from the bar went to her house passed out on the shitter. She lives in a house full of girls. They were making poop jokes as i left
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
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