I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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