No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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