Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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