Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Randomize
