can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Randomize
