forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
