I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Randomize
