Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
