thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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