At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
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