We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
3 2 1 whiskey
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize