i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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