I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'm scared to see what happens if we keep winning like this. I don't think there enough livers for every one after the season is over.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Randomize
