And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
