he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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