My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
That reminds me...we need to get swords
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Randomize
