True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I just want nice things and good sex
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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