so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
