i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
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