I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
Randomize
