i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
