I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Randomize
