i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Every time we have sex, I feel his dick ramming my soul into submission. Problem is..... I LIKE THAT SHIT!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
