i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Randomize
