Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
So what's going on?
We hit boys town to get stupid. I mean invading Iraq stupid.
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
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