Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I mean I could but due to my age and being a mother and all I feel it's poor judgment to give fellatio in a public establishment.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
