She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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