1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
