it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
