my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
Randomize
