she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
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