it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
