I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
Protip if he licks the back of your knee and you reflexively kick him your game of 'lick the lady' is over.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
