your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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