If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I hope you get some kind or rare disease that makes your dick ties itself in a knot for fucking her you lucky bastard.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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