He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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