I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I don't know. I was also picked up by the doormen and held over the bar so I could do an upside down shot out of a bartenders tits.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
Randomize
