I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
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Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
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My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
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