i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
areolas are like halos for boobs.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
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