as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
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