Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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