Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
