i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
So he might be the smartest man alive. He had the stripper pick him up taco bell on the way to the room for an extra 50 bucks.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
