I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
Randomize
