Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
Randomize
