Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
be right there i have to get my cape
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
