i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Randomize
