She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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