i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Is it bad form to spend company money and place an ad in the paper because I wanna nail the sales girl?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
