i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
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