last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
