I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
