im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
