You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
