Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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