my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
She drove all the way from Austin to have sex with me. I think it's a safe assumption my dick will have an easy life in college.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
Randomize
