3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I wish I has some fucking Fairy God Parents, I want a kit kat so bad.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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