i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He better not be in your backpack
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Randomize
