you turned your livingroom into a bong?
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
